Slang Carbon Dating: A Scientific(ish) Guide to Figuring Out How Online You Actually Are

Here's a fun experiment: say your three most-used phrases out loud right now. Go ahead. We'll wait.

If one of them was "skibidi," we need you to understand that archaeologists just used your speech patterns to date you like a fossil. Because here's the thing nobody says out loud: slang isn't just slang. It's a timestamp. Every phrase you use is a little receipt proving exactly how much of your life has been spent online, and we've built the definitive system for reading them.

Welcome to slang carbon dating. No lab coat required, just brutal honesty.

Tier One: The Safe Zone (You Are a Normal Person, Congrats)

If your vocabulary maxes out at "slay," "understood the assignment," or the occasional "it's giving," congratulations — you are radiologically clean. These phrases have been absorbed so thoroughly into mainstream American speech that even your aunt used "slay" at Thanksgiving, which technically means they're on borrowed time, but the cringe clock hasn't fully rung yet.

"It's giving" is the most interesting case study here. It's versatile, it's efficient, and it works in basically any sentence. "It's giving 2007 mall goth." "It's giving your mom picked your outfit." See? Bulletproof. You've got maybe eight more months before it starts sounding like something a brand's Instagram account says to seem relatable, at which point it's dead to everyone.

Tier Two: The Watchlist (You're Playing With Fire)

This is where things get spicy. If you're regularly saying "rizz," "gyat," or — heaven help us — "mewing" in face-to-face conversations, you're on the watchlist. Not because these words are inherently bad, but because you're using them with a frequency that suggests your personality has a strong WiFi dependency.

The tell is context. Saying "rizz" once in the correct situation? Fine. Calling your history teacher "rizzless" under your breath? You've built your identity on a vocabulary that expires faster than milk. And unlike milk, expired slang doesn't just smell bad — it makes everyone around you quietly reevaluate their friendship with you.

Also in this tier: anyone who unironically says "chat" when addressing a real-life group of friends. Buddy. We are at a sleepover. There is no chat. There is no stream. It's just Madison, and she wants her chips back.

Tier Three: The Carbon-Dated Zone (We Can Pinpoint Your Internet Exposure to the Month)

Now we arrive at the fossils. If you're still saying "no cap" in every sentence, "bussin" at dinner, or referring to things as "the vibe" with the reverence of a priest, we can date you with startling precision. These words had their moment, that moment passed, and you either didn't get the memo or chose to ignore it out of loyalty. Respect the loyalty. Ignore the loyalty.

The absolute bottom of the barrel, the linguistic equivalent of a mosquito trapped in amber: saying "skibidi" out loud. In real life. To another human being. If you do this, you have spent approximately 10,000 hours watching videos of a head in a toilet, and frankly, that's information you need to sit with.

Why This Even Matters (Spoiler: It Kind of Doesn't, But Also)

Here's the actual point buried under all the jokes: your slang is a mirror. It shows you how much of your identity is being written by an algorithm. When your first instinct in a real situation is to reach for a phrase you learned from a stranger's video at 1 a.m., that's worth noticing. Not panicking about. Just noticing.

The healthiest people we know use internet slang like seasoning — a little sprinkle, never the whole meal. They can turn it off. They can talk to adults without sounding like a content creator doing a bit. They have, and we say this with love, a life offline that generates its own vocabulary.

The Audit: Run Your Own Numbers

Quick self-check. Count how many of these you've said in the last 24 hours:

• "Slay" (1 point — you're fine)
• "It's giving" (2 points — fine, but watch it)
• "Rizz" or "gyat" (3 points — hydrate and go outside)
• "Skibidi" spoken aloud to a human (100 points — the points don't matter, nothing matters now)

Score of 0? Either you're lying or you're the most well-adjusted teen in America. Score of 5 or less? Perfectly online, perfectly normal. Score of 10+? Hey, no judgment. Some of our best writers are extremely online. It's called self-awareness, and it's free.

The bottom line: slang expires, but the ability to read the room doesn't. Say what's fun, retire what's dead, and if you catch yourself saying "skibidi" to your grandmother — put the phone down, walk outside, and think about what you've done.

Your vocabulary is a fossil record. Make sure it says something cool about you.